The ball is rolling...

So I'm just going to go with the flow....

My main goal at the start of this year was to be pregnant by the end of the year. It's why I've moved back closer to my family so that I can benefit from their support as I embark upon life as a solo mum by choice. It's why I'm enduring the commuter traffic and a job that isn't necessarily my ideal, because, at the end of the day, the elements of life can't be easily summed up in simple pros and cons, there are certain things that are weighted more heavily. And for me, that's family closeness and my certainty that it is in my destiny to be a mother.

As a solo mum by choice, I've been going through the processes of connecting with a fertility clinic, waiting out the 3 month cooling off period, having fertility tests done, attending mandatory counseling, meeting with the donor coordinator to select my donor and attending nurses orientation to learn about the procedures I will be undertaking. I'm going for IUI, all natural, no drugs, thankfully!

I had some debate over whether to start immediately, just because we could, or to wait until my family was back from overseas and it was a little later in the year (to make the timing of the actual birth fit better into my research schedule). But I figured, you know what? The ball is rolling now, let's just go with the flow. I'm on a path and it is what it is.

Today is day three of my cycle and I've had the first of my blood tests to determine whether this will be the first cycle in which I could potentially conceive. The excitement of that alone has been enough to lighten my spirits and make all the other little daily annoyances fade a bit into the background.

At the risk of jinxing it... I'm quietly thrilled over a series of serendipitous events significant and non. There's been a doula/massage therapist/nutritionist come on board at my chiropractic practice - convenient! My favourite show is finally back on telly - yay! I bought a new car and I love it - cute! And I've had a paper accepted into an international conference - prestige!

So it is what it is, and right now it is good :)

Find what you love, and do that

A few weeks ago I went to a fabulous workshop around getting in touch with your chakra centres, grounding, meditation and self empowerment, among many other things. All the other ladies there were lovely, open souls with wonderful energy and we all shared a really great afternoon together talking freely and without judgement.

Right towards the end of the afternoon, one of the convenors simply said to me "Find what you love and do that". I have had that sentiment circling around in my mind ever since. It reminded me that I had been affirming to myself that life is too short not to spend it doing things that make us happy. It also reminded me that I don't actually know what it is that I love any more.

I don't hate my job, but I certainly don't love it. I don't hate my research work, but again, I don't love it. I do love babies and children and I love to dance and to teach dance, but since moving I haven't found a studio that I love being a part of or that feels like the right fit.

So I've got myself a goal... Find what you love and do that!

Does that make me selfish?

It's been five months now since I moved interstate from semi-rural back to the 'big smoke' and I have to say that I'm a little surprised and more than a little frustrated that I am still trying to adjust. I was born and raised in the suburbs of a large city and only lived in country bliss for four years yet I've been completely won over by the benefits of a tree-change.

When people ask me if I'm glad I moved or if I'm happy to be back, well, to be honest, I lie. Sometimes I am but a lot of the time I'm just not. And it's nothing to do with you and I mean no offense but I'm sure some people would take offense and others were really only asking to be polite and fulfill a social ritual. It's a bit like asking 'How are you?' as a customary part of greeting someone. We all expect the answer to be 'Fine thanks' or some variation. No one ever expects to hear 'Well, actually, I'm terrible...' followed by a list of ailments and complaints.

When I first moved, I was baffled by how much harder and more time consuming everything was. I mean, hadn't I just altered my geography? I was still a full time postgraduate student with part time work in my professional field and a couple of afternoons of work in my recreational area, plus aspirations to work out at least 3 times a week in my spare time. Same same? But oh so very different. See everything in my world that used to be 5 minutes away (OK, maximum 15 mins) is now 45 minutes away, in all different directions, and in hideous traffic no matter what time of day.

The traffic is slowly sucking my soul, one day at a time!! Icalculated that I spend a minimum of 8 hours a week commuting. That's an entire working day. No wonder I don't have time for enough of the things that I love.

And now to the point of my post... Does that make me selfish?

I own an apartment that I'm renting out so in the mean time I'm temporarily living with my family after having been on my own for four years. I come home from work at one thing or another (after sitting in traffic, mind you) and I'm never alone. The only time I'm alone is when I'm in the car and we all know how much I love that (not!). I have something extra curricular at the end of almost every work day that means I get in late or have to go out again.

I'm rarely at home but when I am sometimes I just need to go into another room with a glass of wine, close the door and watch some of my trashy TV shows. Sometimes on Saturday night when I'm invited to go out, even if it's just for pizza and DVDs, I would rather stay in by myself. At the heart of it all, I'm quite the home body and I don't function particularly well without sufficient down time doing the things that I enjoy. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, it's just that I need to spend more time on myself. Does that make me selfish?

My biggest priority this year is to get myself into an optimal state of health and wellbeing to fall pregnant. Every time someone asks me what my priorities are, this one is at the top of the list, yet it's the last thing I make time for in my week. Between work, study and mother freaking traffic, it's the first thing that I'll sacrifice, yet it's at the top of my priority list.This makes me consciously incompetent in terms of the four stages of self awareness (unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, unconscious competence and conscious competence). I know I need to wake up early of a morning and that adequate sleep will help me lose weight, have more energy and cope better with the demands of the day. Yet I can't bring myself to go to bed early because I'll feel short changed and like I haven't had any down time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - life is too short not to spend it doing things that make us really happy. If we don't look out for number one, nobody else is going to do it for us. I'm trying to simplify my life, to streamline my schedule, to find time for everything without sacrificing what's important or upsetting others. I'm trying to put myself first so that I can attain some level of contentment with my choices and respond honestly to the people who ask me if I'm happy with my decision. But I can't shake the thought....Does that make me selfish?

Welcome to my world...

There are many things in life that it's just shitty to have do or go through on your own.

Moving house is one that springs to mind from my own recent past as I've just moved myself from a beautiful country town within 1 hour of a major city back to the suburbs of a capital city in an entirely different state. I did this as a single individual, although this is not to say that I didn't have help, because I did. I had several wonderful friende near and dear to me helping out along the way but at the end of the day, the vast majority of the time and effort involved fell on me, as well it should have, being my personal choice to move myself georgraphically.

Attending funerals is another really shitty thing to have to do on your own. Depending on your constitution attending weddings and parties can also be a confronting thing to do on your own. And by on your own I am, of course, referring to being in a state of singledom.

I was at a beautiful wedding on the weekend and I realised "You know you're old when..." there are no single men at weddings anymore. Such was my circumstance this past weekend, although I realised I had had make out sessions with more than one no longer single guy in attendance at said wedding. Awkward... nah, actually it wasn't.

Added to those thoughts "You know you're old AND female when..." the person you envy most isn't the bride anymore but the pregnant bridesmaid. Why, hello biological clock, nice to hear from you again, would you mind terribly keeping it down to a low roar?

As I looked around the room at friends I had once been out with regularly on the singles scene before moving to said idyllic country town, I realised that everyone has moved on, moved up, moved away...

Many were married, some raising children, others still expecting babies, several had also moved interstate with their partners. Yet here am I, feeling like I've moved backwards. It's a strategic move slightly backwards in order to launch forwards at a rate of knots but once again, on my own. And I'm largely at peace with that.

Welcome to my blog! In case you hadn't figured it out already, I'm a single woman of a certain age who finds herself reflecting on life in the knowledge that it's far too short to spend it waiting and wishing but rather we should spend it in the pursuit of our own happiness, however that may look.

I am new to blogging so please be kind. Haters need not read on. My aim is really to put personal thoughts and reflections to paper, hopefully with a dash of humour, as I navigate my own specific pathway through life. I'll likely discuss single life, family, friends, babies, exercise, nutrition, dance and trashy television.

I am dancing to my own tune...