It's been five months now since I moved interstate from semi-rural back to the 'big smoke' and I have to say that I'm a little surprised and more than a little frustrated that I am still trying to adjust. I was born and raised in the suburbs of a large city and only lived in country bliss for four years yet I've been completely won over by the benefits of a tree-change.
When people ask me if I'm glad I moved or if I'm happy to be back, well, to be honest, I lie. Sometimes I am but a lot of the time I'm just not. And it's nothing to do with you and I mean no offense but I'm sure some people would take offense and others were really only asking to be polite and fulfill a social ritual. It's a bit like asking 'How are you?' as a customary part of greeting someone. We all expect the answer to be 'Fine thanks' or some variation. No one ever expects to hear 'Well, actually, I'm terrible...' followed by a list of ailments and complaints.
When I first moved, I was baffled by how much harder and more time consuming everything was. I mean, hadn't I just altered my geography? I was still a full time postgraduate student with part time work in my professional field and a couple of afternoons of work in my recreational area, plus aspirations to work out at least 3 times a week in my spare time. Same same? But oh so very different. See everything in my world that used to be 5 minutes away (OK, maximum 15 mins) is now 45 minutes away, in all different directions, and in hideous traffic no matter what time of day.
The traffic is slowly sucking my soul, one day at a time!! Icalculated that I spend a minimum of 8 hours a week commuting. That's an entire working day. No wonder I don't have time for enough of the things that I love.
And now to the point of my post... Does that make me selfish?
I own an apartment that I'm renting out so in the mean time I'm temporarily living with my family after having been on my own for four years. I come home from work at one thing or another (after sitting in traffic, mind you) and I'm never alone. The only time I'm alone is when I'm in the car and we all know how much I love that (not!). I have something extra curricular at the end of almost every work day that means I get in late or have to go out again.
I'm rarely at home but when I am sometimes I just need to go into another room with a glass of wine, close the door and watch some of my trashy TV shows. Sometimes on Saturday night when I'm invited to go out, even if it's just for pizza and DVDs, I would rather stay in by myself. At the heart of it all, I'm quite the home body and I don't function particularly well without sufficient down time doing the things that I enjoy. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, it's just that I need to spend more time on myself. Does that make me selfish?
My biggest priority this year is to get myself into an optimal state of health and wellbeing to fall pregnant. Every time someone asks me what my priorities are, this one is at the top of the list, yet it's the last thing I make time for in my week. Between work, study and mother freaking traffic, it's the first thing that I'll sacrifice, yet it's at the top of my priority list.This makes me consciously incompetent in terms of the four stages of self awareness (unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, unconscious competence and conscious competence). I know I need to wake up early of a morning and that adequate sleep will help me lose weight, have more energy and cope better with the demands of the day. Yet I can't bring myself to go to bed early because I'll feel short changed and like I haven't had any down time.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - life is too short not to spend it doing things that make us really happy. If we don't look out for number one, nobody else is going to do it for us. I'm trying to simplify my life, to streamline my schedule, to find time for everything without sacrificing what's important or upsetting others. I'm trying to put myself first so that I can attain some level of contentment with my choices and respond honestly to the people who ask me if I'm happy with my decision. But I can't shake the thought....Does that make me selfish?
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